For Her
by J.Lynn-theOneAndOnlyBOOKWORM
Summary: This what I think Edward was thinking when he was telling Bella goodbye in New Moon. Oneshot.
1. Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF TWILIGHT, including its characters or plot line. That all belongs to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer, and always will.**

**Hey, guys! Okay, so I'm totally being a hypocrite by writing this, since I said I don't write fanfiction, but I think we've all wondered what Edward was thinking when he told Bella goodbye in New Moon. This is my version of what he was thinking. Of course it's probably not exactly correct, but I've lost track of how many times I've read the Twilight series, and I think I know Edward pretty well by now. Not as well as Stephenie Meyer, of course, but she hasn't hinted that she's planning on writing anything from Edward's point of view about this part, so I'm going to give it a shot.**

**Anyway, I hope you all like it, and please tell me if I'm getting something wrong!**

**It starts from page 67 of the special edition of New Moon. Enjoy…**

"Come for a walk with me," I said, grabbing her hand. I had to work to keep my voice as detached as it was, but I could do it. Living over a century grants countless abilities, and I knew exactly what tone to project.

Bella was anxious, I could tell. She let me lead her into the confine of the trees warily, her face displaying her lack of comfort. I read from her expression that she realized something was happening – just not exactly _what_ was before her… Before us.

I would have traded anything in the world to not be what I was, to be human, to not threaten her life with every second I spent with her, every time she came in contact with me or my family. I would give up anything for her. The fact of the matter, however, was that I _wasn't _human, and I _was_ a danger to her. Jasper had displayed that three nights earlier. If I hadn't have acted so quickly, if I'd waited only seconds longer, Bella would be… dead.

The word pained me more than I thought it would. How would I ever be able to accomplish this? How could I leave her? What if something happened in my absence, if she was hurt because I wasn't there to protect her?

No. I was the cause for her lack of safety. If I left, she would be happier and live a full, human life.

We didn't go far into the forest; I took her in deep enough so that we would be alone, but still in visibility of her father's house so that she could find her way back. I leaned against the nearest tree and looked at her, working to keep my expression blank.

"Okay, let's talk," Bella started, her voice meekly determined.

I breathed in deeply. "Bella, we're leaving."

She inhaled as well. "Why now?" she asked somewhat pleadingly. "Another year –"

I cut her off. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." What I spoke was true, but not in the context of the situation. The reasons I gave were not why I was doing what I must.

Her forehead wrinkled in confusion at first, her eyes probing my stolid face. Then, her eyes widened and her face tensed.

"When you say _we_ –" she said in a whisper, the words barely making it past her lips.

"I mean my family and myself." I separated each word, trying to make her understand.

I watched silently as she shook her head, closing her eyes. It took her time to collect herself, and I wished I could comfort her. But I couldn't. I _mustn't_. This was all for her own good.

"Okay. I'll come with you," she finally rationalized.

"You can't, Bella," I explained emotionlessly. "Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me," she countered weakly.

I wanted to relieve the pain already present in her eyes. I wished she would just accept this now and move on, to save me from continuing.

"I'm no good for you Bella." That was the first true thing I'd spoken yet. She deserved so much more than a murdering, bloodthirsty vampire who didn't even have a soul.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." She seemed to be begging me, and her face…

But it was what was best.

"My world is not for you," I said bleakly. Again, true – I would only cause her more pain if I stayed.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she shouted, frantic.

"You're right," I concurred. "It was exactly what was to be expected." We were hazardous to any human. Our thirst is controllable under normal circumstances with some effort, but when exposed to any type of blood we cannot control ourselves. Jasper had acted normally, and that act was exactly why we must leave. It should not be normal to kill someone, and I wouldn't have Bella near any creature who existed that way anymore, myself included.

"You promised!" she tried with the same tone. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay –"

"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted.

"_No!_ This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"

Her words stung, but I didn't let it show. I remained impassive. She would move on once I was gone, eventually, though from her eyes I could see it would take her time: she would have other relationships and be able to live how she was meant to, as a normal human with a family, possibly children, a… husband. Jealously had me on that last one. I hated the fact that someone else would be with her, holding her, loving her…

I refrained from gritting my teeth. That's how it was supposed to be. I wasn't meant for her. Not if she was to have _all_ of those things.

I sighed, staring at the ground. This was the hardest part. She wasn't letting go, so I would have to hurt her more, to lie so largely to make her not want to be with me. That was the most important aspect of my leaving. If she didn't move on, the whole effort would be wasted.

"Bella," I said, my eyes as cold as my skin, lying through and through, "I don't want you to come with me." I watched her face intently, gauging her reaction.

She was silent at first, but then she whispered, "You… don't… want me?"

My harsh expression stayed intact. "No."

She stared into my eyes in puzzlement, and I stared back, hiding my remorse perfectly.

"Well, that changes things," she responded calmly, still staring.

I had to look away; I loathed to see her face when she grasped my words. And… I couldn't look at her for my next speech. If I did, I knew I would lose my flawless withdrawal.

"Of course," I began, "I will always love you… in a way." I wanted to leave the second part out, but I couldn't – not if she was to move on faster. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." I could smell her scent from where I stood, and the extra pooling of venom it always raised in my mouth was most definitely not human. My eyes returned to her face. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't. Don't do this," she begged softly. I think she understood at last.

I stared back, my face unrepentant. "You're not good for me Bella."

And therein lay the biggest lie of every one I'd ever uttered in my hundred plus years. _I _was not good for _her_, yes, but Bella… Bella was the brightest part of my life. A shining star in the darkness, a lit candle in the dead of night. Giving her up was torture, like trying to breath without lungs. The only reason I could make myself go through with it was for her. Everything I did was for her. My murdering agony was nothing compared to her happiness and safety.

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out initially. Eventually she managed, "If that's what you want."

I nodded, surprised and hurt that she believed me so quickly, but hiding all of my emotions. Did she really think I didn't want her? Could I convince her that easily? Of course, it made the whole conversation easier – I'd assumed it would take me hours of lying to persuade her it was the truth, though it wasn't – but I couldn't help the misery that coursed through me at her quick acceptance. Did she have so little faith in my love?

Something in her face seemed to die then. And I had to exert myself fully to keep up my pretense as flawless as it was.

All of my feelings, true thoughts, and emotions were bottled up inside me; if she knew I was lying, it would just take her longer to move on. She must not suffer.

I had to ask her something, something to make sure she would keep herself safe when I couldn't.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." Her face was a mask of pain, and I almost lost my indifferent facade yet again.

"Anything," she promised.

Purposefully, I altered my expression, gazing into her eyes with earnestness. I had to make sure she took me seriously now.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I said fervently. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded, clearly surprised by my intensity.

Returning to my unresponsive appearance, I continued, "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him." Yet another lie to disguise the truth that _I_ needed her to be safe. I could not live in a world where she didn't exist.

"I will." Her voice was quiet, sad.

It broke my already dead heart, but at least she'd promised me herself to do what she could to stay out of harm's way. I relaxed slightly.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I vowed solemnly. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

Bella started shaking, but I had to press on. I had one fleeting thought as I continued: 'This is what torture must feel like.'

I smiled lightly, hoping to calm her down – it was a vast contrast to my real mood. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for you kind." It was true. She would move on, because she was human. As for myself… well, I would never have that luxury. But she was my top priotity.

"And your memories?" She sounded like she was gagging on something.

That caught me off guard and I had no response as first, but I quickly recovered. "Well – I won't forget. But _my _kind… we're very easily distracted." I smiled a fake smile again.

I was finished now, finished with the possibility of ever living happily again. But no – if I knew Bella was safe, I could be happy. I would be. I had to be.

Taking a step back to the start of the forest, I said, "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

She looked at me blankly, then, realizing something, said, "Alice isn't coming back." It wasn't a question, and it pained her even more to say it. The words were barely audible.

I shook my head. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?"

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

She just stared at me vacantly, grief pouring out of her. My anguish was twice as intense as hers, but well concealed.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said softly. I stole a last glance at her, her auburn hair, her chocolate brown eyes, her beautiful face, trying to imprint them all in my memory forever. I had no doubt that they would be there, that her face would be forever behind my eyelids.

"Wait!" she exclaimed desperately, reaching for me.

I grabbed her around the wrists and stuck them to her sides. Swiftly, savoring the sensation her touch brought to me, I leaned down and kissed her forehead one last time.

"Take care of yourself," I whispered, aware that I was losing control of my cover.

Then, before she had a chance to realize my departure, I sped away through the trees, wondering what I would do without her, how I would live, where I would go. There was no place in the world where I could escape the agony, except back to Bella.

But I couldn't go back. Not ever. My being with her only brought her danger, and I would never be a cause of pain in her life again.

My deep depression drove me faster as I sprinted through the dense forest, my destination unknown.

**So, what did you think? Review, review, review – good or bad!**


	2. AN

**Hello again! This is just to ask you guys to please **_**please**_** review! I've gotten 91 hits and only 4 reviews. I don't care if you like it or not: complain, criticize, compliment, congratulate (ha, all those words start with a 'C', lol), or whatever. I just want to know what you guys think, please!**

**Thanks!**

**J. Lynn**

**P.S. If this will help, you can tell me who is better, Edward or Jacob, in your review too. I know that has nothing to do with my story, but I'm always curious. For anyone who cares, I **_**love**_** Edward, but I like Jake too :)**


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